Picture this,,, the smell of cigarettes, terrible acoustics of the beer tent, the sound of kids screaming, and the horrifying thought that a carnival ride may just be a little too rusty today... That's right, that picture you are thinking of is your local county fair, and it is getting to be that time of the year. So here are the five things you have to keep an eye out at your local fairgrounds!
#1: Those Disgusting Carnies
Look I know what all of you may think... This is the man/woman I have to trust my kid's safety with? And here's what I have to say, I'd not only trust them with your kid's lives but I maybe (MAYBE) trust them with future Coley Jrs.
The only way I will trust these so-called 'operators' is if they are ripping a heater in shorts that are damn near around their ankles. I mean could you imagine if you dropped your kid at the tilt-a-whirl and it was a straight and arrow man with a bowtie? Got to imagine he is there for ALL the wrong reasons.. Give me the party dart rippin' saggy pant wearin' stalwart of a human being.
#2: The Boy with an Ice Pack on his Shoulder
In the words of the great Tim McGraw, that boy may have spent 48 dollars at the county fair, throwed out his shoulder, but he did win her that Teddy Bear. Now the boy may not love it, hell he probably won't even like it, but we've all been there.... So when you see that young man next to his lovely lady with a giant stuffed animal, give him a pat on his NON-THROWING shoulder (emphasis on NON-THROWING) because he damn well deserves it.
#3: THAT Couple
I feel like the Progressive commercial, but dude we all see it... No need to say anything to them, because as disgusting as it may be, it is giving the crowd a laugh, and lord knows we are NOT laughing with them.
#4: Awkward Middle School 'Dates'
Now there are a few of us that can pull of the finger guns like the little fella shown above which means most Middle School 'dates' are going to be awkward. And what better place to have an awkward Middle School Date than the local fair?
Weird hand holding, uncomfortable conversation, and if they are lucky a peck on the cheek while on the Ferris Wheel,,, that's what is in store, now after a few trips to the bottom of a Miller Lite I may not be able to stomach it, and who knows, you may not be able to either, so that's why I am warning you now!
#5: Porta Potties
Last but CERTAINLY not least, the bathroom situation. I pray for all you fairgoers that there are more than just a couple, and that there are no quadruple P's for all of you (That's Porta Potty Public Poo-ers for you not familiar with the lingo).
But just get used to it. Everyone will have to use them, so do not be one of the PPPPs that ruin the religious experience of fairs for everyone else going this summer.
Stay Safe Out at Them Fairs Folks....
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